"I'm not asleep yet. Keep the camera away" I remember saying that a couple of times after they started the Demerol into the intravenous needle stuck in my right hand. If there is any position likely to leave you feeling more vulnerable than lying on your side with your arse flapping between the inadequate cover provided by a hospital gown I have yet to encounter it, but it's made all the worse as you watch them position a screen next to your head which beeps reassuringly in time with your heart beat, as it displays for all the world to see the state of one's colon, a formerly very private place.
"I'm not asleep yet. Keep the camera away!" They stuck a clip on my finger to make sure I was still alive while they amused themselves poking around, fascinated by my rear end and it's contents. Dr Jones expressed no surprise when I told him I had been squirting bright fluorescent green liquid for lo these many hours. These preparations were taking forever and I wished they'd get a move on and start the inspection, as I heard them droning on, chatting inconsequentially in the background. "God." I thought. "Next thing I'll see the tunnel to the white light. They seem to be taking my death very calmly." Then I felt a smooth metallic wiggle in a place where straight men like me plan to never ever feel anything.
"You're back!" Doctor Jones called out cheerfully, not in the least guilty to be caught in flagrante delicto retrieving a camera from inside a grown man's backside. I could feel the slippery pen sliding out and I was immediately ready, there and then to get back to my normal routine well away from this hellish place. "Lie there and pretend to be a patient" Nurse Rebecca said sternly.
"No polyps," said the good doctor. And with those magical words not only did I get a clean bill of health (the best bill of all as pointed out by Heinz and Frenchie) but I also got a ham on brown bread sandwich and two strong black cups of coffee. I'm here to tell you hospital food is delicious if you are in the right frame of mind to enjoy it. And I most certainly was. I think I shall sleep for twelve hours straight.
