Cuban Landing Drama

I picked up my copy of the Key West Citizen out of my driveway yesterday morning and saw this story splattered across the front page: Some Cuban refugees managed to land on an unoccupied light house on the reef and were being held in a Coast Guard ship while the courts decide their fate. Rubbish I thought to myself, the Conch Republic long since settled this issue. Let me explain.

The following pictures are screenshots from my phone so you can find out all you want on Bing or Google if you know where to look. Ten years ago a group of Cubans landed on an old pillar from a Flagler Bridge as described in Wikipedia (see below) and when the courts ruled they hadn't set foot properly on US soil the intrepid Secretary General of the Conch Republic landed on the unclaimed rock and declared it was part of the sovereignty of the Conch Republic, a sovereign state of mind. This act embarrassed the US and after the Cubans were returned to Cuba the courts ruled that of course the column in the water was  actually part of the US and they should have been allowed to stay.

Cubans get special treatment when they come to the US, and they are coming in droves now they fear the special treatment may soon come to an end. If they propel themselves and don't pay smugglers and if they manage to land on ground. not necessarily dry, but just so long as they can stand without drowning they get to stay in the US. So now the question is whether or not landing on a lighthouse structure built over the reef, anchored by steel screws into the submerged rocks, constitutes a dry foot landing for the Cubans as required by US law. 

I know what the late Peter Anderson, photographed above on the infamous lump of rock, would say if he saw that lawyers were arguing the point. He'd be in a boat with a Conch Republic flag, sallying forth to claim the lighthouse for his sovereign state of mind. Unfortunately he's no longer with us so his peculiar form of cheerful persuasion is no longer available to nudge the US Government into doing the right thing. However his legacy has already proved the point: extraneous lumps and pieces of construction material are part of the US so I don't suppose the ruling on the latest bunch of Cubans will be too long in coming and I have no doubt they will be allowed to stay. The Conch Republic has already proved that point.

It was a life lived well, a master of promotion who made a living and had great fun celebrating the Conch Republic. I don't suppose the new Cuban arrivals will ever be told they owe it to this man:

In a side note every time there is a new landing of Cubans from home made boats they managed to steer across the Straits there is a spate of nasty comments in Facebook, that ultimate arbiter of public taste, wherein people moan endlessly about Cubans coming to live her for the benefits and the modest re-settlement fee ($8,000 at last count). I find those comments repugnant, not least because these are people who would never have the gits to cross the Gulf Stream in the wrecks these ingenious Cubans put together, many of whom disappear without a trace. I don't think these Cuban refugees are afraid of hard work if they can make that kind of effort to get here and those comments are unworthy of people safely ensconced in the comfort of life here. I don't think the wet foot/dry foot policy is sensible or fair, especially considering Haitians don't get the same consideration, and it is an outdated policy supported by the Cuban old timers in Miami, but it's there and it's the law and being cruel to the people who come here to live her and prosper reflects no good on the people who make the negative comments.  

The Conch Republic's Leading Edge

67 year old Peter Anderson, the self-styled and widely admired "Secretary General of the Conch Republic" died last week from a cancer that had reduced him literally to a shadow of his former florid self. It's a powerful force of Nature that can fell a man who seemed unable to stop himself from operating at full flow at all times in life. He reveled in his role as cheerleader for the mythical Conch Republic, generally described more as a state of mind, and less of a place.

He somehow turned the Ruritanian ideal of an independent republic, created in a dispute with Federal authorities in 1982, into a way if life and a successful business. This sort of enterprise never ceases to boggle the mind. I only really became fully aware of this man's enterprise when he filed suit against imitators in the Upper Keys. That battle ended less with stale Cuban bread at dawn and more with a businesslike agreement.

He sold knick knacks as one does in these touristy times, but he went one further and sold travel documents, charging extra for "diplomatic passports." You will read that they were sometimes used as the real thing but I have heard of only one documentated case of a Conch Republic passport being used to get a desperate traveler home. Once is enough in the jollity of myth making.

These pictures from the Facebook page of the man who romped through life in Key West.

While one historic leading edge got dulled this past week, next week could see Key West following on it's role in leading the Sunshine State out of the darkness of old fashioned fear into the sunlit uplands of marriage equality. Every time I want to throw in the voting towel, the Republican Party manages to do something crass or cruel, enough that I am reminded there is a difference, and even though Democrats are spineless and clueless on the big issues, on social progress they are worth supporting. A role that has made its mark in Wikipedia already:

On July 17, 2014, Judge Garcia issued a ruling in Huntsman in favor of the plaintiff same-sex couple and those similarly situated. The judge, in declaring that Florida's same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional under the Fourteenth Amendment, found that:

• Baker v. Nelson had lost its precedential value,
• substantive due process guarantees marriage and liberty as fundamental rights,
• liberty in marriage is an individual right that cannot be submitted to popular vote, and
• same-sex marriage is not a new right as "societal norms and traditions have kept same-sex couples from marrying," similar to the way women had previously been deprived of biting rights, and interracial couples of the right to marry.

Judge Garcia also noted that Florida's same-sex marriage ban denies couples equal protection under the law under both heightened scrutiny and (although the defendants do not put a basis forward) rational basis analysis. Amici argue a rational basis of procreation and child welfare, but the judge rejects these notions, despite not even having to, as Amici "do not have standing to raise issues that have not been raised by the parties."

While Judge Garcia did not get to the question of out-of-state recognition as the plaintiffs lacked standing as to that issue, he ordered Monroe County to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples beginning July 22, 2014. Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi filed a notice of appeal with the state Third Dustrict Court of Appealthe same day. This automatically stays enforcement of Garcia's ruling.

The picture above is from here: Steve Rothaus' Gay South Florida. Letting these two dudes and thousands like them get married is going to have zero impact on my heterosexual marriage. The Defense Of Marriage Act is defense of bigotry. A pox on Pam Bondi and her appeal.

 

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Yes Scotland And One Human Family

So the question is: what do a passel of no account little lumps of subtropical rock and mangrove stalks have in common with the bleak peat bogs of frigid rainy Scotland? Not much on the face of it but there is the little matter of independence that is coming over the horizon. 31 years ago the Florida Keys asserted their right to independence and now, trailing along behind the Fabulous Florida Keys by a matter of decades, the residents of Scotland, be they English, Scottish or citizens of the European Union actually in Scotland get to vote next September on whether or not they want to secede from the overbearing English.

Every nation state has its own flag and Conch Claude Valdez came up with the design seen above. The Scottish flag, a banner associated with a nation but not with a state since 1707, is the cross of St Andrew shown below. But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

I figure the story of the creation of the Conch Republic is pretty well known but it has given rise to a mythology and an industry including passports and identity cards, bumper stickers and the notion that the Conch (pronounced konk please) Republic is a "state of mind" all in great good humor. But it wasn't always so, the good humor.

April 23rd 1982 the Prime Minister of the Conch Republic, promoted for the day from his day job of Mayor of Key West, having argued for the removal of a Border Patrol checkpoint at the Last Chance Saloon in Florida City, came out of court and spontaneously announced that if the United States, in an effort to stop illegal immigration, wanted to treat the Keys as a foreign nation with an ID check on Highway One, then so be it. And Dennis Wardlow announced the Free Florida Keys were seceding from the US.

The crowd gathered at Mallory Square to hear the announcement and the Prime Minister attacked the United States by breaking a loaf of Cuban bread over the head of a representative of the US Navy. The mouse that roared promptly surrendered and demanded a billion dollars in foreign aid from the US to compensate for the interruption to the tourist trade caused by the Overseas Highway roadblock. The money never came but notoriety did.

So now every Spring for a week there is a rather cheerful celebration of Conch Republic Days in Key West when drinks are drunk and they race transvestities down Duval Street and the whole thing wraps up with a sea battle between the Conch Republic Navy and the US Navy in which Cuban bread is still the ammunition of choice. The US always loses and everyone drinks their sorrows or their joys away.

Personally I have a different vision for an independent Conch Republic. I'd like to see a place like Andorra or Monaco in the Keys, a city state with no army and only enough navy to protect its fisheries, an economy based on all those items one sees banned in the US, so busy morality posturing, that could be had openly and cheerfully and guilt free in the shining new capital of unbridled capitalism that would be my Conch Republic. How much would you pay to sit on a beach in the Conch Republic smoking legal genuine Cuban cigars, drinking Cuban rum with a new and expensive friend then gambling in one of our world class casinos? Banking secrecy laws would be paramount, every law firm in the city would be the international low-tax headquarters of some corporation or another and every citizen of the Conch Republic would grow fat and content earning ridiculous tax free wages pandering to every American desire impermissible at home. "One (Stinking Rich) Human Family" indeed, my Conch Republic would have the motto of rectitude for citizens, lassitude for visitors, with health care, marriage, and the rule of law for all. I have a dream...of the gates to Paradise built as a frontier post in the middle of the Seven Mile Bridge. But let's be practical...

The US would never let it happen - and see Boca Chica Naval Air Station converted to civilian use, for a foreign country at that? Never! Besides I have a feeling a real Conch Republic would pretty soon descend into an extended impotent lament in the anonymous Citizen's Voice column in the newspaper followed by fratricidal urges and riots at Little League International games against the Americans from Marathon as parents take on the battles only hinted at by their sporting offspring. True independence would never work. Too bad as I could use a substantial raise, and though I do not smoke I have heard Havana Club is a decent rum. For Scotland though it's another matter, far more serious than stale Cuban ammunition bread and illegal rum toddys...

700 Years ago near the city of Stirling, Scottish soldiers handed an invading English army their lunch on a platter at the battle of Bannockburn in June 1314. This September the Scottish Parliament at Holyrood in Edinburgh has called a vote by all residents 16 years and older on the very simple question: Should Scotland be an independent country? Scotland's First Minister in the semi autonomous Scottish Parliament Alex Salmand (shown below just to prove that telegenic politicians are a US obsession) is leading the Yes Scotland campaign on a leftist plank of affordable housing and jobs though how Yes Scotland will follow through on those promises in these arduous economic times... A group of right wingers has come out with a libertarian position supporting independence called Wealthy Nation, so everyone is climbing aboard the change bandwagon it would seem at first sight in Scotland.

Deputy First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, shown above, whose name keeps up the fishy link in Scotland's march to freedom, is also promoting the Scottish National Party's "National Conversation" about independence. However as you might imagine not everyone is delighted about this separatist path. Lately the European Union has said it's not clear Scotland would gain admission to the EU, and suggestions that an independent Scotland might continue to use the English pound have been rejected by ministers in London. The message seems clear: if Scotland decides to set a bad example to independence minded Catalonia and Corsica they will get no help from the Big Boys in Europe. This sort of bullying seems to be having an effect, even as England plans to offer increased autonomy to the Scottish parliament if the people vote No. It's all carrot and stick...

My guess is that current polls showing a slight inclination toward No with a giant clump of undecideds will probably carry the day in September, and if that happens I think it would be a shame. England fought Ireland horribly when they wanted independence, and union was forced on Scotland with a brutality that would give modern sensibilities the vapors. Over the past decade the English who constitute about 53 million of the United Kingdom's 63 million people have given autonomy to Wales and Scotland in hopes of fending off this day. North Sea Oil, Scotland's great economic hope is drying up so England's delaying tactics worked on that front, and losing Scotland won't mean the huge cheap energy loss of even a decade ago. But Scotland's five million residents, like the Conch Republic's notional 40,000 in the Lower Keys, have a lot of scenery to sell. We smaller states end up selling ourselves to visitors with our history and pretty views.

There is in me a streak of silly escapism, a desire for change for the sake of change and the chance to see what happens when one leaps where angels fear to tread, which to some extent is what prompts people to move here. I have no idea what's best for Scotland, or the Lower Keys come to that. But I do have a mad desire to see what happens if the Scots do take that leap of faith. Who knows, perhaps they could lead the way to independence for Wales, Catalonia, Corsica and perhaps even these distant lumps of rock where endless debates about abortion and gay rights and evolution and guns all the rest of the mad mainland political posturing mean so little. One Human Family: is that a philosophy strong enough to build real human freedom upon, instead of using it as an excuse for bed races, fake battles and drunken public partying? Would the real Conch Republic, a place of tolerance and belief in the res publica as originally envisioned find space to live and breathe and prosper? Lead the way Scotland and perhaps Sassenachs everywhere can learn from your example.

Key West on Dwellable

 

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Conch Republic Count Down

I was quite surprised to hear Key West Mayor Craig Cates announce on the radio that in about three weeks, on the 23rd precisely, Key West was declaring independence, this time for real, 29 years after the famous first independence declaration. A lot can happen while one is away on vacation for a few short days...

Supposedly this whole new dreamland will make little difference for us, as we live inside the borders of the new Conch Republic and work for us will continue as normal, she with the Conch Republic Department of Education and for me with the Conch Gendarmerie. However reticent I may feel the new border signs and Customs post are supposedly going up soon on the south end of the Seven Mile Bridge, while at the airport the new signs are up already in preparation for the celebrations.

The last I heard the new Conch Cabinet is negotiating furiously with the US Navy at Boca Chica to work out fees and rental agreements for use of the prime Conch Republic airbase but the future of the US Navy presence is entirely uncertain at this point as France is said to be interested in basing some nuclear subs and fighter aircraft here. As part of their inducement the French are also offering civilians with Conch Republic passports access to their future officer's mess and lots of Conchs are ready for some French cuisine and bowling on base. Fat Albert is to be relocated to US territory north of the Seven Mile Bridge from what I heard at breakfast yesterday.

The new currency is supposed to start circulating soon, though it is unknown exactly when, and it will start out at parity, one for one with the US dollar, according to the Blue Paper. I've also heard that the Seminoles will be starting a new no-limit casino on Sugarloaf Key as soon as they can start construction. Scotia Bank of Canada is supposedly taking over the Wachovia building on the Boulevard to take advantage of the Conch Republic banking laws. I think the President-to-Be of the Conch Republic is expecting massive fresh income from these offshore activities as Americans will be keen to get money out of their failing system and into ours where privacy is assured and taxes will be unknown and Conch dollars will be backed by gold bullion. It was also exciting to see the San Carlos reverting to it's original owner, the Cuban government, soon to be home to the Conch Republic's first foreign representative.

They say the US Consul will be housed at Boca Chica if they can work out that agreement, if not the US Consulate will be behind the Red Garter on Telegraph Lane. Ferry and air service to Cuba are also supposed to start, passengers only at first, the day after independence day, which will be April 23rd. The Cuban Embargo will no longer apply down here, south of reality. In light of all the trouble our neighbors to the north are having in the US of A it's not surprising a few enterprising business people decided the time was ripe for a new approach to government but I guess I have to admit I am surprised by the speed with which they acted. My wife and I did consider leaving and moving north to preserve our US citizenship, per the US State Department's latest directives, but with the United Nations guaranteeing independence and a peaceful transition for the world's 191st country we decided to stay and try our luck. Today, we said to each other quoting the new republic's most famous figure from history, "Today," we said, "is the day."

All Photos from the Internet.

Bed Racing

It happened in 1982 that the Federal Government had one it's periodic crack downs and the Border Patrol as was set up a check point on Highway One to make sure "illegal aliens" weren't using the Keys as a back door entry to the US. This unaccustomed heavy handedness caused tourist operators to fear the worst for their income and they did the all American thing and took the Immigration and Naturalization Service (as was) to court.The story goes that pressed by reporters on what he was going to do next, Mayor Dennis Wardlow, in consultation with his advisers huddled for a moment in the courthouse lobby sought and found the inspiration that sometimes strikes the desperate. So he announced that he was going to secede from the United States. A declaration that made headlines. And so it was that the Border Patrol (as was) found itself shamed into taking down the check point and restored easy travel between the US and the Conch Republic, which in the meantime, having got into the spirit of the moment pressed the US government to fork over some "foreign aid," seeing as how the islands were blockaded from the mainland. And so people gather under cloudless blue skies to watch other people make gentle asses of themselves in public:In an effort to keep the revenue up for the "hospitality industry" the latter part of April is a time set aside for celebrations in Key West to mark the ever popular act of secession. Much of it involves the usual drinking, parading, and bikini contests with the addition of a "sea battle" which the Coastguard joins with local boats, and the whole thing wraps up with a bed race up Duval Street."Where else but Key West," my wife the former public defender wondered out loud, "would you find the cops escorting beds down the street?" The Conch Republic is big business for one week and they hire off duty cops to keep order, which needn't be a tough assignment at a family event like a bed race. Officer Standerwick was keeping an eye on the crowds as the start line:When one says a "family affair" this is one human family, not at all like the Swiss Canton of Appenzell Innerrhoden which the BBC reports has voted by popular acclamation to outlaw naked alpine hiking, a problem I hadn't previously known to have existed. Key West doesn't actually allow nudity on the streets, but the One Human Family label covers a multitude of sins where the benefits of commerce are involved and peculiar garb, and the less of it the better, is designed to attract crowds and their money:So they line the beds up two by two, and they push them down the street, raising money for charity, laughs for the crowds and cans of beer for refreshment:

Duval Street was closed for several hours on Saturday afternoon as the pushers pushed and the crowds cheered them on. Between pairs of beds Eaton Street was opened to traffic by Officers O'Connell:And Jewell:

Who kept order at the busy intersection reminding riders that Duval was closed, as though that weren't obvious even to the oblivious, and to cross the street before the next pair of beds came flying past. The crowds were huge along the street but it was an easy going bunch of people who came out to check on the weirdness galloping down the street. The spectators, unlike at Fantasy Fest, kept their street clothes on as they gave their off spring an education:

Rob O'Neal, a photographer from the Citizen was busy documenting the speeding beds, and we exchanged a few pleasantries on the future of Cuba, and the hope that the embargo might soon vanish:

As it is there is more animosity welling up between the Upper Keys and the Lower Keys, never mind Cuba, over this Conch Republic fantasy. Peter Anderson who styles himself the Secretary General of the Conch Republic is involved in a copyright dispute of embargo proportions with a group of copy cats in the Upper Keys who have seen the popularity of the Key West festivities and want to peel off a piece of the action themselves and hold their own more suburban gathering of the "Northern Territories of the Conch Republic." Rather than have a bed race to sort out the rights to the name (which seem obvious in light of Anderson's longevity) they are going back to the real roots of the Conch Republic: The all American Courthouse.

Bed Race

So why were people pushing beds helter skelter down Duval Street Saturday afternoon? Because it's Key West is the easy answer. And because it's Key West they aren't all that competent at it either as witnessed by this wreck:

Not least no doubt because the fuel is this:Lest you imagine this chaos is the Beginning of the End of law and order in the Conch Republic, let me assure you Officers Villareal and Hartle (pictured) were carefully escorting each pair of racing bed frames down the city's main drag:And my goodness what a strange assortment of beds they were:One of the few rules that I could figure out is that there has to be someone riding in the bed in some manner. And there has to be motive power of course, which take their role more or less seriously depending on what they came out to do, preen, push or be pushed:

A special mention for a team of dogs that put me very much in mind of the husky races I have been following, from a safe distance, in the frozen north of Kotzebue, Alaska, (http://tundratantrum.blogspot.com/), with apologies for Key West's gentle fun in the face of the Real Thing:

A Key West husky:Vital Key West cargo for safe delivery:And there were a few spectators on their balcony at La Concha wondering what planet they had woken up on:No longer in Kansas, I'm afraid, "Look at that!" One hopes the family album gets judicious editing before public display.

Tomorrow: The Race!