Friday, February 1, 2013

For The Huddled Masses

Look out the window at the snowdrifts, the rain on the window panes and darkness closing in around you like a wolf circling the dying pioneer. Then think of me strolling Smathers Beach in a t-shirt watching my dog chase smells in the fresh green grass. Mind you it's not all beer and skittles own here. There are lots of weirdos, and none of them wear pink Crocs.
Oh it was a glorious morning, my wife dropped off at work, her car dropped off for a check up and my dog and I dropping out for an hour as we strolled along smelling the fresh sea air.
So they won't let you camp here, they don't want you to "tresspass" (sic) and God forbid you bring a bottle of beer to this delightful place known as the Bridle Path, the place where horses used to exercise, they say. Nowadays it's dogs that exercise and their owners walk, alcohol-free.

Like this one. Some lady from Indiana or Iowa or Kansas or someplace where she has much loved grandchildren who probably would cringe to see her in spandex, spoke to my doggy in condescending English, much as she speaks to human year round residents of these islands. Stay out of the road now, d'you hear? she said, glaring at me while simultaneously smiling as though at a mental deficient. She didn't wait for me to tell her my dog is smarter than her grandchildren and Cheyenne is safe off a leash when I deem it to be so.
On the subject of altered mental states what the bloody hell is this:
Boing-boing-boing, she trotted like an astronaut lining up a golf putt on the moon. I don't watch TV so I'm at the back of the line when it comes to trends. What the hell is this woman wearing on her feet? Springs? Really? Monsieur Hulot's daughter no doubt. When I saw a dude walking backwards next to his wife on Washington Street I just thought he was absent minded or temporarily insane or angry with the woman he was walking next to. But when a spandex wearing grand mom nearly walked backwards into me and Cheyenne the next day on Big Pine Key I figured this must be another trend that has passed me by. If God had meant us to walk backwards wouldn't we all have eyes in the backs of our heads like elementary school teachers? What is wrong with people? Isn't life hard enough as it is without taking it on backwards?
Some regular dude riding by on a regular boring cruiser was looking pretty good after an enforced spell of crossing paths with weirdos. But they are doing their weirdness in the southern sun. Smart weirdos.