I had no idea what would come of me posting a meme on Facebook but it let loose a torrent of comment. I don’t post memes. I sent it to an online friend going through tough times at home. It generated no response. I thought about it for a day and that flat affect pushed my mind into asking myself what does this really mean?
I’ve heard it said that people will tell you who they are if you listen. They sure manage to muddle me up. I have terrible judgment where my feelings are concerned. So I started to ask myself, laying here in bed, what is friendship? Friendship is how they treat me? That’s a new one. Which may give you an idea how naive I am.
My scooter wreck brought me close to the face of God. It also brought me face to face with who I am and who I want to be. Flat affect isn’t who I want to be. I know I want joy. The bugger is I don’t know how to find it or share it. To be joyful alone is absurd, the stuff lunatic asylums are filled with all the time. I feel joy at being alive and I now look and see who feels joy with me. If my presence even across the ether doesn’t make you smile then I’m doing something wrong. I don’t want to run you the wrong way or be an annoying permanent smile on your horizon - the smile of insincerity. I want you to show me your joy. And your sadness and your fear.
The only television hero I had failed at it. Anthony Bourdain turned his life around saw my world through his eyes and tripped. I can’t afford to trip on my journey out of rehab. Help me step out of my shell. Help me trust my instincts as you do the same. We can only have a small part of each other but that part should be first rate. I hope this page will continue to be the best I can do and it does something good for you. It’s all I can offer. It has to be enough. If you know me you know I struggle daily with doing my best and I often fail. It’s all in the struggle and like rehab I can’t do it alone. Whether it’s worth the effort I can only say it is for me.
Thanks for reading.