It happened in 1982 that the Federal Government had one it's periodic crack downs and the Border Patrol as was set up a check point on Highway One to make sure "illegal aliens" weren't using the Keys as a back door entry to the US. This unaccustomed heavy handedness caused tourist operators to fear the worst for their income and they did the all American thing and took the Immigration and Naturalization Service (as was) to court.
The story goes that pressed by reporters on what he was going to do next, Mayor Dennis Wardlow, in consultation with his advisers huddled for a moment in the courthouse lobby sought and found the inspiration that sometimes strikes the desperate. So he announced that he was going to secede from the United States. A declaration that made headlines. And so it was that the Border Patrol (as was) found itself shamed into taking down the check point and restored easy travel between the US and the Conch Republic, which in the meantime, having got into the spirit of the moment pressed the US government to fork over some "foreign aid," seeing as how the islands were blockaded from the mainland. And so people gather under cloudless blue skies to watch other people make gentle asses of themselves in public:
In an effort to keep the revenue up for the "hospitality industry" the latter part of April is a time set aside for celebrations in Key West to mark the ever popular act of secession. Much of it involves the usual drinking, parading, and bikini contests with the addition of a "sea battle" which the Coastguard joins with local boats, and the whole thing wraps up with a bed race up Duval Street.
"Where else but Key West," my wife the former public defender wondered out loud, "would you find the cops escorting beds down the street?" 
The Conch Republic is big business for one week and they hire off duty cops to keep order, which needn't be a tough assignment at a family event like a bed race. Officer Standerwick was keeping an eye on the crowds as the start line:
When one says a "family affair" this is one human family, not at all like the Swiss Canton of Appenzell Innerrhoden which the BBC reports has voted by popular acclamation to outlaw naked alpine hiking, a problem I hadn't previously known to have existed. Key West doesn't actually allow nudity on the streets, but the One Human Family label covers a multitude of sins where the benefits of commerce are involved and peculiar garb, and the less of it the better, is designed to attract crowds and their money:
So they line the beds up two by two, and they push them down the street, raising money for charity, laughs for the crowds and cans of beer for refreshment:
Duval Street was closed for several hours on Saturday afternoon as the pushers pushed and the crowds cheered them on. Between pairs of beds Eaton Street was opened to traffic by Officers O'Connell:
And Jewell:
Who kept order at the busy intersection reminding riders that Duval was closed, as though that weren't obvious even to the oblivious, and to cross the street before the next pair of beds came flying past. The crowds were huge along the street but it was an easy going bunch of people who came out to check on the weirdness galloping down the street. The spectators, unlike at Fantasy Fest, kept their street clothes on as they gave their off spring an education:
Rob O'Neal, a photographer from the Citizen was busy documenting the speeding beds, and we exchanged a few pleasantries on the future of Cuba, and the hope that the embargo might soon vanish:
As it is there is more animosity welling up between the Upper Keys and the Lower Keys, never mind Cuba, over this Conch Republic fantasy. Peter Anderson who styles himself the Secretary General of the Conch Republic is involved in a copyright dispute of embargo proportions with a group of copy cats in the Upper Keys who have seen the popularity of the Key West festivities and want to peel off a piece of the action themselves and hold their own more suburban gathering of the "Northern Territories of the Conch Republic." Rather than have a bed race to sort out the rights to the name (which seem obvious in light of Anderson's longevity) they are going back to the real roots of the Conch Republic: The all American Courthouse.
13 comments:
Looks very entertaining. We sort of have the same thing up here in early August during Gay Pride Week, where there is a lot of nudity. If Jack were here, he would be in heaven. I have some video clips from last year on my Youtube channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDM6gWkfd7c
bob
bobskoot: wet coast scootin
I have to comment about the naked hiking thing in Switzerland. Indeed, more and more 'tourists' were being found walking along hiking trails sans clothing, causing distress to unsuspecting people and alarming the tourist bureaus. They probably should just designate some nude trails, like the nude beaches.
There is talk in Key West of making the county operated Higgs beach a nude beach. I think that's just a way of trying to strong arm the city into taking it over as it costs a lot to maintain and patrol and the county has no use for it.
What I liked about Alpenzall Innerroden (sp?) story, aside from the name, is the notion that the entire Canton gets to vote once a year by a show of hands, very un-modern...walking naked in the Alps just seems very...German? In Key West it's a way of shouting "eccentric" in case passers-by dare to mistake you for someone "uninteresting."
Nude beaches in the sub-tropics? Sure. In the cold Alpine? Hmm, no thanks.
I thought it was the whole of the Keys, including Homestead that seceded. So is this more of a Conch Republic Civil War? Brother against Brother? The humanity.
Sad really, it always boils down to the Benjamins ($100 bills). I hope he doesn't win frankly. I am tired of being the land of the fee. No common sense in common law.
Dear Mr. Conch:
Years ago, I was hiking up the Blue Trail to Mount Marcy in the Adirondacks with my new wife (#1). She was wearing a woolen shirt (as the temperature was known to drop 30 degrees on the top) which was causing her some grief, as she was wearing nothing undeneath.
We were hiking on a little-known trail that had been closed to let the landscape recover from the crowds.
"Maryann," I said. "There's no one around for miles. Just take the shirt off."
She did.
We ran into the scout troop 25 minutes later. They were the most appreciative kids I ever met.
Most communities have a signature festival or two. Saranac Lake has an insane winter carnival. I remember watching the parade one day when the temperature warmed up to zero.
Conch: Why is is that many poicemen these days, like officer O'Connell, get their hair cut by the last few remaining SS carpenters?
Did you use the telephoto lense on your camera from 200 feet away to snap the camo cod shot? Otherwise, I would have laughed like hell to hear that conversation.
Bobskoot: While I regard life as a Monet painting, in which one can appreciate the colors without being in the picture, I have to tell you that my primary interest in the Gay Pride parade would be young, good-looking, scantilly-clad lesbians.
I have tired to keep hidden one of my great character failings, that I can walk down a street and imagine most of the women naked. Unlike other men, I admit this.
Fondest regards.
Jack
Twisted Roads
The fact that they preen to have their photos taken is most disturbing of all. Key West used to be filled with eccentrics, people of a point of view who drifted to a place where they could be themselves. Now ordinary people crowd Key West and work to be seen as eccentric. Which is not the same thing at all.
Yikes!!! The image of the "camo crotch shot" will linger in the old memory bank for awhile...Did you really take a shot of that guys crotch,or did you crop the photo???,either way one of the more disturbing photo's that i have seen in some time!!!
Buffalo Bill
it's always good to add a surprise or two, no?
"Key West used to be filled with eccentrics, people of a point of view who drifted to a place where they could be themselves. Now ordinary people crowd Key West and work to be seen as eccentric. Which is not the same thing at all." It is interesting you say that. I had once expressed that I wanted to move to KW and a friend's wife said I was not interesting enough. What the hell does that mean? Define ordinary people? Is it a school of thought vs. a conformist trying to be a non-conformist?
Oh, and the code piece in the speedo is disturbing. Must wash brain of that image.
I was just wondering if anyone was looking at you when you were aiming your camera "that direction" , or was it really a "self portrait" ?
bob
bobskoot: wet coast scootin
Keep wondering.Tomorrow I'm getting back to normal, and the codpiece will be gone.
The camo pic fully illustrates how our government has failed us. With all of the useless legislation that has been signed into law over the years there are three items that should have been outlawed a long time ago.
1) Men wearing the "banana hammock"
2) thong bikini's or miniskirts being manufactured in sizes greater than 10
3) the construction of buildings with flat roofs...no one has perfected one yet that doesn't leak. (see Walmart, Sam's Club, BJ's Warehouse, Lowes, or Home Depot in a down pour).
Perhaps the abonmination will decide to address these pressing issues.
-Peace
Northern Territories? Meh. We have the "northernmost point" pylon at the intersection of Colonial and McGregor Boulevard in Fort Myers. It looks like the "southernmost point" pylon, but says "northernmost point of the Conch Republic". Sadly when we had to move east in the county, we fell out of the Great Circle that defined the CR.
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