Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Conchscooter Is Grumpy

I woke up yesterday morning at 5:30 and all I could hear, over the loud rhythmic rumblings from my sleeping dog was the sound of heavy rain on the tin roof. By the time we got to town three hours later the sun was out, it's true but so were the people. And the mercantile offers were on display. Water at this Greene Street convenience store really was on offer at a bargain price where drinking is sold for twice as much or more. Cheyenne took the free offer, preferring draft to bottled.
Further along the old Red Fish Blue Fish restaurant appears, mercifully! to have closed forever. I do not remember their conch fritters fondly, and what precisely possessed me to eat there years ago I cannot recall. However this is the apex of the triangle of tourist assault on Key West's attractions, the invisible thread between Sloppy Joe's and Mallory Square and far to the south, the Hemingway House on Whitehead Street...so I suppose whatever comes next won't be aimed at a recurring clientele, any more than the previous occupant.
So, there I was grumping along, as you do, trailing my dog and wondering in what other manner Key West is to be defaced when some cheerful man came up and introduced himself. Hi I'm John he said and I read your blog everyday and I know you don't like to meet people. Well bugger, did I say that? And so I feel like an asshole and I am going to do better. I get muddled up trying to remember small talk but not talking too much and then I feel awkward because I don't know what crazy thing I said that he might have noticed and all this is going round in my head like a disturbed hornet's nest.
So here's the thing, by all means say hello and I will do my best. I promise I won't ask for money or cigarettes which is about the level of most street conversations around here as long as you don't talk about the weather. In 2015 I am hoping to practice small talk so I need your help. Thank you.
Meanwhile I determined not to allow the prospect of a full week of 60 degree night time temperatures to make me grumpy. Key a West is still lovely, just to walk and look at:
Cheyenne isn't dying anymore, indeed she is as stubborn and unsentimental as ever, but I am not going to be annoyed at her when she turns her back on me and refuses to cuddle ( which is almost always).
I am not going to wonder what the hell these peculiar signs mean. I am just going to enjoy them. See? I'm cheerfull, very approachable, just like my dog.
Okay, this one is not on my list of things to be cheerful about. Garbo's Grill was rated best Key West restaurant a while ago, which seemed odd. I liked Garbo's well enough but the best seemed to pitch things a bit rich. However in my new guise as a cheerful man about town rating a lower Duval tourist trap as "excellent" seems simply marvelous.
Of course Key West recycles. And pays attention to the very small print. Pretty soon we'll overtake Seattle in our collective commitment to the environment. (Grumpy Conchscooter says fat chance but he's now officially suppressed).
Grumpy me says apostrophes have become instruments of the devil. Surely the artists of the fabled Studios know the difference and will apply the correct spelling very, very soon. Says I smiling broadly.
I stopped in Key Plaza to buy stuff at the new Publix, no longer wondering what arse decided Key West needed two Publix supermarkets next to each other in this small town. It makes taking 911 calls more complicated than necessary as not everyone knows which is the "new" versus the "old" Publix when they are stressed out and in trouble.
Parking with no consideration? No problem, take all the spaces you need, I'm sure you are working on improving your driving skills as you can find the energy. Who me, grumpy? Never in life. Come one come all, park badly write illiterate signage and rate mediocre as excellent. I am very approachable you will find.


Dar said...

I think you are doing just fine with small talk, I enjoyed our chat today. Living in a tourist town is a difficult thing, I find myself in the summer months avoiding our quaint downtown and it makes me grumpy too!

John said...

I very much enjoyed our brief meet today. I respect your thoughts and your dry humor. Nice to have met you both..

Arizona Harley Dude said...

I enjoy your walks around town and descriptions of the same. Being Grumpy in that humidity and among all those tourists is understandable. Sadly, I too will show up down there in the future to become one of them. Key West and a motorcycle just seem to be a natural combination.

Mike Ward said...

I does make me smile when you slide into The Queens English, Do the locals know what an "Arse" is ....??

Keep up the good work....

Conchscooter said...

I hope if you do drag your backsides, or whatever, down here you will let me know. I am available for coffee, or self immolation as John will attest.

Lori said...

Well this blog certainly didn't end the way I thought! :) It's OK to be grumpy once in awhile...I don't get that feel from you often in your blog!

Trobairitz said...

I don't think you come across as grumpy either.

I too find small talk difficult. I'm not much for conversation.

Garythetourist said...

Ahhhh....small talk is easy; cramped limited meager microscopic miniature minuscule modest narrow paltry poor short slight small-scale bantam diminutive little mini minute petite petty scanty shrimp trifling wee inconsequential insufficient picayune piddling pint-sized pitiful pocket-sized puny runty scrubby stunted teensy teeny trivial